Jitters

I am about to cross the Rubicon.  The point of no return.  The bridges are burning behind us. 

We’ve signed a contract to sell the house, and tomorrow is my last day of work on The Project.  As of January 1, 2010, I will be voluntarily unemployed for two weeks.  

So I don’t think I can change my mind. 

Why am I even thinking about changing my mind, you ask?  Well, I’m at work and don’t really have much to do.  It’s the week between Christmas and New Year’s, and I’m part of a skeleton crew at the office.  The three essential deliverables that had to go out the door this week have departed.  The one essential meeting with the client has transpired.   The files have been organized and backed up.  Cheesecake has been shared.  Only a few personal items remain to be packed up and carried home. 

Idleness is a fertile playground for doubt or, in my case, the jitters.  Someone asked me yesterday if I would miss New York and I realized I had no idea.  I hope not — I’ve had more than 50 years to get my fill of the place, and certainly won’t miss the long commute, the freezing wait at the bus stop, the hoards of tourists on Broadway.  But who’s to say what I will miss?  Can one actually anticipate that?  I think it’s more likely to hit like an anvil falling on the head — not something you expect to happen. 

And the new job?  I’ve made a fair number of major decisions in my life, including decisions about jobs, and the one thing I know for sure is that you never really know what you’ve bought into until you arrive.  And a corollary:  it takes a while before you know where the crayons are kept. 

The packing is ahead of me.  Leaving a home I’ve lived in for nearly half my life is ahead.  I don’t even know where I’ll be living temporarily come January 19th.  The two cats who can’t bear the car ride to the vets have to be transported.  Somehow.  My son, now living at home, needs to find a place to live.  My father-in-law has been hospitalized and we don’t know if he’ll be immediately able to move back home.  There is virtually nothing about the future I know with any certainty.  What my day-to-day will be like, when Mr. NYer will join me in Alabama, where we’ll wind up living, whether the rain there will drive me mad, or even how much milk costs. 

I’m in a boat being borne into the unknown future.  And I’m getting a little seasick.

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3 Responses

  1. Steady as she blows! I’ll be a wreck when (if) I finally leave the city. And, you’ve been here longer than I. You do get to keep your NY past and all your wonderful New York-ness. It doesn’t disappear just because you begin an adventure in Montgomery. And, you’ve got your friends and family to visit when you need a NY fix. Best of both worlds.

  2. Maureen: I’ve really enjoyed following your blog posts. You are doing the right thing and it’s all going to be great, so pack away the jitters! I am really enjoying your experience vicariously. Sorry about your father in law, I know (from personal, current experience) that eldercare responsibilities pop up when you least expect or need them. You will prevail. Happy New Year, Mark Gauthier

  3. Keep your eyes on the horizon!

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